Babyproofing Your Marriage

If you have glanced at my sidebar recently (over there --->), you may have noticed a swish new icon for Parent Bloggers. As you know, I'm a parent who blogs. From now on, I'm also a Parent Blogger, which means that every now and then I will review something (e.g., a product, a service) and share my thoughts about that something with you. Because you care what I think. You also know that I won't let you down by hawking something just for the sake of hawking it because they sent it to me free in the mail. I will tell it to you straight - or at least as straight as my crooked brain sees it.

Today's post is a review of a book called Babyproofing Your Marriage.

I just finished reading Babyproofing Your Marriage, by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, and Julia Stone, and I'm drained. I feel like I just re-lived every argument I've ever had with my husband since the day our first child was born nearly eight years ago.

These three women should be commended for exposing the prickly underbelly (that would be mine) of "married with kids." This isn't revolutionary stuff. Everyone knows life changes once the kids come along. But this book succeeds because it minces no words about what's really going on in many marriages.

Stuff like "scorekeeping" - the endless tit-for-tat over the division of parenting duties and household chores. In fact, I was just playing this game with my dear, darling husband. It goes something like this: "Oh yeah? Well not only did I clean dog pee off the rug because someone forgot to walk her last night, but I also unloaded the dishwasher and helped the kids with their homework!" "Well good for you. Guess I didn't notice because I was doing five loads of laundry after I got home from Toys-R-Us with a birthday present for the neighbor kid." Lemme tell ya, this is a really fun game. Too bad no one ever wins - though the book has a few very good suggestions for helping everyone feel more like a winner.

It's pretty clear that few married couples with young children are feeling like winners in the bedroom - and I'm not talking about lack of sleep. Again, nothing new here. They say it best: "Everyone wants a piece of the mom pie." When a mom is feeling (choose one or all) tired, overworked, unappreciated, fat, resentful, psychotic, or depressed, the last thing she wants is to feel the "ten o'clock shoulder tap." And the men? They just don't get it - in oh-so-many ways.

But alas, this book gives some really great suggestions on how to rekindle the sex life in ways that will strengthen a marriage without making it yet another "to do." I was especially amused by the cost/benefit analysis of what they call "The Five-Minute Fix" - and in the politist of ways I'll simply say this: playing the flute for about five minutes can be a delightful alternative to breaking out the entire orchestra, kapeesh?

There's plenty more in this book that will make you nod in agreement or laugh out loud. And though it's a fast, easy read, it tackles some weighty subject matter with shocking candor. You will no doubt hear your own words echoed in the many anecdotal quotes scattered throughout the book from the mouths of men and women alike.

And one final note: the authors seemed to take great care to give equal time and treatment to "the other side" - which in this case would be, ah, the men. This book is not an exercise in male-bashing.

However, to be perfectly honest, I had to exercise restraint and not bash my husband just thinking about the stuff discussed in this book. And I have a husband who helps! There - I said it. He helps me at every opportunity and in many ways, I'm one of the lucky ones. He tries - and that counts a lot.

Still, reading this book, I couldn't help recalling all those nights I lost sleep tending to children while he snored louder than ever. I had flashbacks of showerless days (oh wait - I still have those) and constant demands (think: "Mom!" "Meow!" "Bark!" and tap tap tap) I remembered the one time he slipped and said, "C'mon. How hard could it be to work from home?" I better stop now because I feel my blood pressure rising and I don't want to explode all over my keyboard; it would leave a huge gooey mess and some people tidy, not clean...

Maybe I'm just like an elephant in this regard, remembering every sordid detail (although I do like peanuts, too, and I'm pretty sure I live in a zoo).

But here it is. Many women of my generation had a certain set of expectations about marriage and parenthood, and somehow, well, if you look up right now and see the sub-heading under "Ruthless in the Suburbs," you'll know how a lot of us feel. I think I touched on this in an earlier post where I discussed my thoughts on feminism.

Thank you, lady authors, for writing a book I believe a lot of people will be relieved to read, if only to know they are not alone.