The Lure of Freedom

"So Ruth, do you like vacations?"

It was 10AM on a Sunday and the beginning of a very long "90-minute" presentation about an "exclusive club membership" at a place called InnSeason Resorts (to be referred henceforth as NEVER InnSeason Resorts.

I don't even know where to begin.

I could lambaste my dear husband for falling for the "You Won Four Free Round-trip Airline Tickets!!!" line he heard from the person who called one evening around dinner time. Or I could wag my finger at every person who's ever told us about their "fun free vacations" just for sitting through a short presentation about timeshares.

They always made it sound so easy. All they had to do was endure some hard-sell spiel about the beauty of timeshares and - voila! - freedom was theirs in the form of free meals, free rooms, and free time away from home.

With the promised "Four Free Round-trip Airline Tickets!!!" and a free night in a "resort" in exchange for sitting through a 90-minute timeshare presentation, the Dynamite family could take a pretty nice vacation this summer, my husband thought. And then there were the other "Free Gifts!!!" that included a $150 gas voucher, two food vouchers ($20 and $50), and a free night's stay at the NEVER InnSeason Resorts "Harborwalk" location in lovely, scenic Falmouth, Massachusetts on Cape Cod.

So what if it was January?

With the kids safely sequestered at my in-laws and visions of our smiling kids at Sea World dancing in our heads, my husband and I hit the road. For about three hours, buoyed by our own imaginings of what was to come, we drove and laughed and enjoyed being together. For the first time in a long time, it was just the two of us in a car. And we were unfettered. Happy. Frisky, even.

Then, of course, we arrived at our "resort."

Envision, if you will, a dilapidated raised ranch-style motel next to several decrepit buildings overlooking a ferry dock. Now imagine that this abandoned dump of a motel had new siding and freshly painted doors and a shiny new sign out front that read NEVER InnSeason Resorts.

Then, imagine receiving the key to your "free room" at NEVER InnSeason Resorts and discovering that your room was located IN THE DECREPIT, SEEMINGLY ABANDONED BUILDING NEXT TO THE DILAPIDATED RAISED RANCH-STYLE MOTEL WITH THE NEW SIDING.

Suffice it to say, NEVER InnSeason Resorts left a lasting first impression with its complimentary rust-stained refrigerator, mold-stained tile grout, visibly separating carpet seams, and paper thin walls through which my husband and I learned far too much about the guests upstairs.

"You'll be the good cop," I explained to my husband at dinner the night before our scheduled presentation, "and I'll be the bad cop." I figured that we'd manhandle our conversation with the timeshare salesman the next day and have a little fun at the same time. Then, with our dignity and Four Free Round-trip Airline Tickets!!! safely in hand, we'd grab some lunch and toast ourselves for being so smart.

But then, at our appointed time the next morning, we met Gary.

Oh that Gary. He was so charming and professional that I almost didn't notice when he led us into a big sunny room flooded with tables and gushing salespeople and photographs of glamorous resorts on the walls. He threw out the bait, that Gary, and I just gobbled up the chum.

For three hours all I could think about was, "Yes, Gary, I love vacations!" and "My family deserves vacations, Gary!" and "Let me get my wallet, Gary."

The numbers were all over the board, starting at something like $35,000 for a total investment PLUS large annual fees PLUS other fees for this and that. The final "package" was dramatically cheaper at $12,000 with $550 annual fees and bla bla bla other fees I didn't care to hear more about. I just wanted to look into Gary's eyes and dream for awhile.

My hypnotic trance was broken only by the sound of my husband's irritated voice.

"Look, Gary. The answer is NO and we're NOT going to do ANYTHING today and I HOPE you can RESPECT that." Forget good cop/bad cop. Think: mad cop.

My husband was visibly shaking when we left, so I thought it best not to share with him all the details of our "free gifts" as described in the package Gary handed me when we left. (At the time I think I was purring something to him like, "Oh Gary, sweet Gary, I'm sure we'll be kicking ourselves for this for the rest of our lives.")

Kicking ourselves for believing for even a second that we'd receive the promised gifts was more like it once we got back on the road.

The Four Free Round-Trip Airline Tickets? You have to reserve two at a time through a designated travel agency but only WHEN you book your vacation stay AT A DESIGNATED "RESORT" (read: CRAP) and PAY THE NON-DISCOUNTED DAILY RATE ($$$) for a MINIMUM STAY (7+ days). Soooo...four Dynamites could theoretically fly "free" from Connecticut to California if they reserved two (2) CRAP hotel rooms at about $300 each per night for seven (7) days minimum. For the math-challenged, that equates to $4,200 PLUS tax and extra hotel charges for the week - not to mention things like FISH TACOS, MARGARITAS, and TICKETS TO SEA WORLD.

We'd get a $50 meal voucher though, provided we reserved the airline tickets and CRAP hotel rooms with the designated travel agency and forwarded copies of our last five tax statements and medical histories (with lab work) to some address in Guam.

We could take our time redeeming the $150 gas voucher, provided we send receipts totaling at least $100 each month at the SAME gas station that we have PRE-REGISTERED with the gas voucher company and then they will send us $25 per month. Theoretically.

"Tell me, Ruth, do you get enough time away to do the things you like to do?"

"Do you spend enough time with your loved ones?"

"If you learned that you only had six months to live, what would you do? You'd go on vacation, right?"

Curse you, Gary, you beguiling trickster.

Should Karma land you squarely in one of Never InnSeason Resorts CRAP hotel rooms FREE for all eternity and you are forced to look into one of the tarnished mirrors on the wall, I bid you ask yourself just one question: So Gary, do you like vacations?